The dog has diarhhea

3am

B: Mommmmm.

Me: What.

B: I have to go.

Me: No you don't. It's three in the morning. Go back to sleep.

B: No like, I seriously NEED to go.

Me: Uuuuuughwhhyyyyyyy.

B: Mom, there's poop dribbling out of my butt.

Me: Fuck, Buffy!!!!!

B: I TOLD YOU.

Outside

B: Man, isn't it nice outside! We could totally take a walk right now. I think I saw a rabbit over there. And I just heard someone sneeze. Maybe we should investigate. They might be having some kind of allergic attack.

Me: No. Please poop so we can go back to bed.

B: Yeah, but I have to find the right PLACE to poop.

Me: You literally can't keep your poop in your body right now. Just let it out.

B: Nope, gotta sniff for a while.

3 minutes pass

B: I don't think I have to poop anymore.

Me: But... but you said...

B: I don't feel like it anymore. Weird. Can we go eat some treats?

Me: ...no. No we cannot.We are going to go sleep now. Right now. Come on.

One hour later.

B: Mommmmm.