Fall Walks

Me: Okay, let's go for a walk.

B: AWESOME I love walks.

Me: It might not be super lengthy because I haven't replaced my coat that was stolen last winter and it's cold as balls out there.

B: Like, tennis balls?

Me: ...no. Let's go.

Outside

B: Man it's nice out! There's so many cool smells. I really need to smell this smell over here. I'm estimating that I'll need between four and six minutes to fully appreciate the aromas that have blended in this patch of leaves.

Me: B-b-b-b-b-buffy we n-n-n-n-need to keep moving.

B: No, no we don't, first smells, then walk.

Me: I'm..... it's.... so cold.

B: Okay, four minutes. I'll make this sacrifice for you.

Me: I'm sorry, we're moving now.

B: What the hell, man. What. The. Hell.

Home

Me: I need to go to work so you have to go in your crate. I'm sorry.

B: That was the shittiest walk in existence.

Me: ... I know. I'll buy a coat on the way back from work. I'm sorry. I'll see you soon.

B: Fuck you.

Me: I love you. I'm leaving now.

B: Fuuuuckkk..... yoooouuuuu....

The dog has diarhhea

3am

B: Mommmmm.

Me: What.

B: I have to go.

Me: No you don't. It's three in the morning. Go back to sleep.

B: No like, I seriously NEED to go.

Me: Uuuuuughwhhyyyyyyy.

B: Mom, there's poop dribbling out of my butt.

Me: Fuck, Buffy!!!!!

B: I TOLD YOU.

Outside

B: Man, isn't it nice outside! We could totally take a walk right now. I think I saw a rabbit over there. And I just heard someone sneeze. Maybe we should investigate. They might be having some kind of allergic attack.

Me: No. Please poop so we can go back to bed.

B: Yeah, but I have to find the right PLACE to poop.

Me: You literally can't keep your poop in your body right now. Just let it out.

B: Nope, gotta sniff for a while.

3 minutes pass

B: I don't think I have to poop anymore.

Me: But... but you said...

B: I don't feel like it anymore. Weird. Can we go eat some treats?

Me: ...no. No we cannot.We are going to go sleep now. Right now. Come on.

One hour later.

B: Mommmmm.

Walking the dog at night

Me: Why did you stop walking? Let's go.

B: WOAH. Woah. We need to stop. There's something over there.

Me: There's nothing there. Come on.

B: No, I seriously have a really bad feeling. There's something over there that's bad news bears.

Me: There's seriously nothing near us except squirrels and rabbits and that cat.

B: YEAH THE CAT! That cat is seriously shifty. I don't wanna walk past it. Let's turn around.

Me: If we turn around, as soon as we get home you're going to get the zoomies and eat my socks.

B: ...

Me: Yeah.

B: ...

 ....no... I won't.

Me: Yeah, you will. Come on.

B: Fuck no man. That thing is gonna jump us. Look how still and starey and weird it's being. I hate it I hate it.

Me: If it jumps us I'll punt it like a football.

B: What's a football?

Me: ... Come on.

B: AAAAAAAAAH oh we're past it hey look a squirrel! Hey a smell and another smell ooh something weird on the ground I bet I can eat it something interesting definitely happened here and over here and there's something up this tree.