The dog has diarhhea

3am

B: Mommmmm.

Me: What.

B: I have to go.

Me: No you don't. It's three in the morning. Go back to sleep.

B: No like, I seriously NEED to go.

Me: Uuuuuughwhhyyyyyyy.

B: Mom, there's poop dribbling out of my butt.

Me: Fuck, Buffy!!!!!

B: I TOLD YOU.

Outside

B: Man, isn't it nice outside! We could totally take a walk right now. I think I saw a rabbit over there. And I just heard someone sneeze. Maybe we should investigate. They might be having some kind of allergic attack.

Me: No. Please poop so we can go back to bed.

B: Yeah, but I have to find the right PLACE to poop.

Me: You literally can't keep your poop in your body right now. Just let it out.

B: Nope, gotta sniff for a while.

3 minutes pass

B: I don't think I have to poop anymore.

Me: But... but you said...

B: I don't feel like it anymore. Weird. Can we go eat some treats?

Me: ...no. No we cannot.We are going to go sleep now. Right now. Come on.

One hour later.

B: Mommmmm.

Walking the dog at night

Me: Why did you stop walking? Let's go.

B: WOAH. Woah. We need to stop. There's something over there.

Me: There's nothing there. Come on.

B: No, I seriously have a really bad feeling. There's something over there that's bad news bears.

Me: There's seriously nothing near us except squirrels and rabbits and that cat.

B: YEAH THE CAT! That cat is seriously shifty. I don't wanna walk past it. Let's turn around.

Me: If we turn around, as soon as we get home you're going to get the zoomies and eat my socks.

B: ...

Me: Yeah.

B: ...

 ....no... I won't.

Me: Yeah, you will. Come on.

B: Fuck no man. That thing is gonna jump us. Look how still and starey and weird it's being. I hate it I hate it.

Me: If it jumps us I'll punt it like a football.

B: What's a football?

Me: ... Come on.

B: AAAAAAAAAH oh we're past it hey look a squirrel! Hey a smell and another smell ooh something weird on the ground I bet I can eat it something interesting definitely happened here and over here and there's something up this tree.